It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. Life, both good and bad, got in the way. But for those who may stumble across my page and are curious about abstinence or are questioning their choices I wanted to provide some thoughts now that I’m about to get married.  This post may come off a little more blunt than some of those from the past. And it’ll be a little longer since it will likely be one of my last.

If you read back you’ll see that I had set an expiration date of 25 for my choice to stay abstinent. This is a bit controversial for some but for me it was a plan that worked well. I still went out and partied and did what I wanted to do (minus sex) through my early twenties but without the risk of STIs or unplanned pregnancies. I was perfectly content dancing and making out with a cute boy then going home alone. At one point in time I got a bit of a reputation as a tease but it was all in good fun, and I was very upfront with men about my expectations and that if they were dancing with me or buying me drinks with the hope of going home with me that they were more than welcome to move on to the next girl… Now, did they always hear what I was saying? No. But they couldn’t deny that I had tried.  Frequently I earned a man’s respect for this, but you have to be concrete and confident to get the message across.

To get a little more into the nitty gritty, some of you might be questioning fingering, oral and all that’s in between. Do what you’re comfortable with but decide beforehand, not once you’re in the moment. Tell yourself before you get into a hot and steamy situation what your boundaries are, and if you tell your partner, they will generally be less likely to push your boundaries. If they push too hard, then you shouldn’t want to do anything with them anyway.

When I first decided to be abstinent, I considered all types of sex as part of this – masturbation, hand jobs, oral, vaginal, anal, both giving and receiving. As I got older and had a couple of long term relationships during and after college I decided I trusted my partner and was ready to explore hand jobs/fingering and oral. I set my boundary at penetration.  Initially I did have some doubt about whether or not I should have, but looking back I don’t have any regrets.

Then about 3 months before I turned 25 I met my now fiance. As my birthday was approaching I considered the “deadline” I had set and didn’t actually expect anything to come of it. But I was okay with the fact that I had set a faith based promise to wait until I was 25 and that date was approaching and my husband was nowhere to be found. Not that you can give God ultimatums of course but I felt like I had done my best. And I only planned to have sex after turning 25 if I was in a committed relationship, loved the person, and if they had been tested.

As our relationship grew and we became committed to each other, I did share my plan with my then boyfriend but was clear to state that it was my decision to break my pact and not a guarantee, and of course his support was one of the many reasons we fell in love. We dated for about a month before entering into a committed, monogamous relationship. We shared our love for each other, met each others families and I truly did ask him to get tested before I decided I was ready. Everyone’s time frame for something like this will be different but for me it was approximately 3 months after we started dating when I decided I was ready to have sex. If he had been my first for everything I likely would’ve waited longer, for those who aren’t abstinent this probably seems like forever. It’s all up to you.

At the time, I knew that I loved him and could marry him and yes I could’ve taken the mindset of “I’ve waited this long, why not keep going,” but that just wasn’t the plan I set for myself. Because I waited until I was an adult and waited until I was in a trusting relationship with someone I loved I have no regrets. It’s just the cherry on top that we are still together 2 1/2 years later and are getting married later this month.

I’ll try to get back on here and add how the first time went in case anyone who is close to that time in their life or curious wants to know what advice I was given and how well it did or did not work.